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Wednesday, December 1st, 2004
5:12 pm
i don't get it?
      
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neat
Friday, November 26th, 2004
5:10 pm
last of the last
throw me a bone allready.
Tuesday, November 23rd, 2004
11:18 pm
only me
having myself to talk to to, i really got on top of my life. and i am done with my college applications, besides one essay. i will now enjoy a fifty EIGHT hour work week, (got more hours woohoo!) and when monday rolls around i will get on top of getting two weeks ahead of every class.
that way december will be MINE!
MWAHAHAA! i can laz around all month!
BWAHAHAHA!
and only worry about my exercizes!
LAHAHAHAHA!
ok i'm done.

stupid airfare went down after i bought my ticket.
now its only 198 for my trip that was 236. i coulda used that 40 bucks almost.

i'll be around.
most likely working. i do four triples this week. (thats a 6 in the morning till 12 at night shift.)
so don't mind me if by the fourth one i'm a LITTLE cranky.
i will have earned my right to be cranky damnit. and consequently three hundred fifty something dollars. plus tips.

mkay. goodnight
best wishes
11:15 pm
december anyone?
oh wait, nope, only thought i was there, i'm actually here.
Monday, November 22nd, 2004
10:19 pm
deodorant anyone?
so aaron and myself decided it was a good idea to start seeling things on ebay. we stared, honestly, with a stick of deodorant. my stick of deodorant. with an upside-down sticker!
oh boy!

it cost me three bucks to put it there
and i have to make at least 8 bucks on it to break even...lol...
yea right!

this was fun though
Thursday, November 18th, 2004
12:21 am
from the stars
here i am.
Sunday, November 14th, 2004
3:49 pm
its simple
i slept,
figured it out finally,
i feel great,
her nemo died, very sad, we buried him.
live in the moment
and let the future come

smile for me
Friday, November 12th, 2004
1:56 pm
seventeen
i'm looking for a rest and I have none
i've conquered shame before
this isn't me
and i care about the way you lay your head down rest now child
so before this day may end i can tell you i'm on a trip
for somewhere else

for a day
where the rain
makes the tears seem like nothing
for the space, where the best of the best
couldn't hold second best
and where we fall away from grace
so we can be here
at least for a while

its a beautiful future
its a beautiful future

so please show me, as you guide my shaking hand
along the trace
of where it used to blaze unknown trials
arched across you spine
i'll show you life
you show me smile
I'll show you safe
and i'll show that i care
because even those who don't have anything
live to believe

it's a beutiful future
it's a beutiful future
no matter
where
the future goes




you know, it's so easy to be sad, and hard to get things back on track. thats a very simple statement with simple words but think about it.
think about how long it takes to realise you have something
think about how long it takes to get there
and think about how long it takes to shatter it.

interesting isn't it?
at least i find it's unfairly lopsided.

but thats the way things go. that how it works.

and i'm ok, i am who i am, and no one will tell me otheriwse.
i can't let anyone else tell me what i feel or who i am. because they are not me
heh, no one is me, but me. so who knows what i feel? anyone can identify, that just requires experience. to truely comfort someone is hard too. to be there when they need it is difficult. there is no equation of life, no set thing you can say that makes things better, no way to tell what you're going to say is right. theres no way to tell what tomorrow will be like.

thats what i find the most fun, and the worst about life.

i try to make my days pass by as best i can, and i don't like leaving without making people smile, that breaks me.

i try too hard to fix things i'm not involved in sometimes. i try too hard to find solutions, because in the back of my mind, somewhere i believe unconsciouslky that there is an equation, a certain way, a path that would make things right, or at least, better. i have to get rid of that. i have to get rid of the part of me that thinks i can solve anything.
because i can't. i can FACE anything, i can DEAL with anything, i can look anything in the eye, and it might take me a moment, but i will ACCEPT anything, and i will FIGHT for anything i like. But i can't solve everything. i can't

thats ok though, no one is meant to make everything better all the time, no one is meant to be perfect, or have all of the answers. we all just have to find the person that has the most for us, ther person that can figure out MOST of it, the person you WANT to solve anything with, or at least, Face anything with.
thats what matters.
it matters to feel like you can trust someone, and tell them who you are, and not get it thrown at you.

i'm still seventeen.
i'm still learning, of course, i have a LONG way to go.

only i can define what i will do.
only i will choose my path.
i know my truths. i know where i stand. i know who i am.
not always,
most of the time.


i'm tired of people telling me who i am, and what i feel.

and i'm tired of listening to them.

so let me work through what i have to work through.
let me sleep for a while.

i'll be ok, i'll be happy. i am.
i am happy.

and i look forward to whatever tomorrow brings.

Current Mood: melancholy
Tuesday, November 9th, 2004
9:31 pm
#5
does it all make sense
9:30 pm
.
four you, this is my reality
9:29 pm
9:28 pm
#2
or am i a dream?
Sunday, November 7th, 2004
9:04 pm
#1
am i real?
3:31 pm
i've got a secret
a secret.
would you like to know it little girl?
i can count
all the way
to schfifty five
before you can say
pippity
peupitty
pants

want me to show you little girl?
allright

schvon
too
too and heif
sheven
fourteen-teen
twenty scheven
thirty three..
svhifty five!
12:05 am
for a number of reasons
today has made me realise a lot of things.

patience is a virtue, embrace it

friendship should never be taken for granted.

letting fear drive you doesn't get you anywhere but farther away.

a simple hug...

this is not my month. so far in the first seven days i have endured a lot. i have taken a lot into consideration, talked about a lot. and i have put myself on the line, just to be told not yet.

so i waited, and thought, too much. i thought too much, but was told its ok. i was told to be calm, and that they wanted to hold me. i want to be held. more than anything right now.

i then came across the notion that maybe i had been trying too much. a notion all to familiar to me. i always get too eager. this time felt different though, cause for once, they told me its ok, and that they knew we'd be allright

i can have 6 hour conversations
and only remember those small lines sometimes, they mean a lot to me.

so i said i'd be ok, beaten. down, covered in my mistake. a month long mistake. now i know i won't do that again, as long as i can remember that and the way they said it was allright. it put me back...it took me back. how i want to be, what i'm returning to.

then came the last conversation of the day.
and i can't seem to do THAT even right.
i said what was true to me, what i felt, and it got nowhere. is it so wrong to be me? is it so wrong to feel so much for someone, and want to hold them forever? is it wrong....to need it back?
is it wrong to hold on?

in the face of my own internal demons, i sit here, in my home, mine, home...
thinking, writing this, and not knowing what to do, listening to my december, by linkin park.

This is my December this is my time of the year
This is my December this is all so clear

This is my December this is my snow covered home
This is my December this is me alone
And I
Just wish that i didnt feel like theres something i missed
Take back all the things i said to make you feel like that
And I
Just wish that i didnt feel like theres something i missed
Take back all the things i ever said
And I..
Give it all away just to have somwhere to go to
Give it all away to have someone to come home to

all i have is the thought of her,
a ring, a watch, and a promise.

is it so wrong to want to be home...
Wednesday, November 3rd, 2004
7:17 am
oh yea
and that douche tom got three more triple a's last night...
jeez...
6:51 am
stars
being from the stars i should know what heaven looks like.
:)

anyway, it is wednesday morning, and i'm just waking up after a long night, if theres one thing i appreciate about my own brain, its that it tends to process information one bit at a time, which gives me time to think. time to think about whats meaningful, and how i really feel
at least when i need it i can do that.

i've been in this rut recently of knowing where i stand and being ok with my life, how things are going for me. it's been good, because i can move forward, i can live. but i seem to be forgetting how to handle harder situations amidst feeling like this, losing track of how things really feel to me.

so which option do i choose? how do i make this work? i have being great mentally but sucking at displaying how i really feel at the right times, except if its happy, or, i could focus on being able to tell people how i feel, because thats important too, and take it in one at a time. with the latter i may end up not where I want to be mentally, but i will know why i'm there and i WILL be ok. with the first, it could end up hurting me by not being able to deal with how i really feel.
its a dilemma and a half, but i already have made my choice, i did that when i first posed the question.
i just wanted everyone who read this to know where i am coming from.

i have a lot fo work ahead of me, a lot to plan, a lot to do. college, summer buisness, work + work. It's gonna work out and be ok, and i'll be fine after this month, it'll just be hard cause one of my releases has been taken away, one of the things that helps me deal with anything has been taken away from me for this month because of work. i can't go to band practices any more until sometime in january.
everything starts to add up really fast when you have nowhere to go.
i know some people who have that problem, many of them.
and now that i'm in it, i have to deal with it.
but you know what? i'll be ok.
i'll be sitting and thinking of things that are not today, and that helps me through.
sometimes, sometimes...things that mean a lot to you, you have to wait for.
i know i'll be allright, i know what i'm thinking, who i am, and where i will be.

and i will be me, that was the choice i made.
i come to that same conclusion numerous times.
last night, i had a problem being me, i was tired, exhausted physically, and ultra-hungry cause i don't eat very much because i'm pooor lol.
it stressed me out and i couldn't think straight. today is different
so bear with me, please, if i get cranky this month, if i say things you know aren't right.
if i don't wait patiently.
i can type these things, and i know them, i know what i should be doing. so i am going to. the transition was ahrd, but i'm on top of it.

Paint this picture so its three layers deep,
A story for me
I’ve never felt so helpless smiling
But so a part of my own narrative
And my pen here on my desk is my heart
When the words are your eyes, staring back at me
I’ll write the end for you,
On a beach to the sound of waves crashing
I’ll be waiting
a two heart kaleidoscope

i wrote that last night i think lol,
i'll post it in idiom expression too, to get it reviewed.
i nicked a line from andrea. it's line..7.
yep.

well, its time for school, after school i'm getting my hair cut then working.

sometimes all anyone needs is a hug and to be told its ok.
i should have done that, i didn't
but i will from now on.
not always
but i need a hug too. jsut as much as anyone else.
especially now.


have a great day everyone,
i'm around, talk to me, i'd love to talk to you.

always
ian
Monday, November 1st, 2004
1:00 pm
if only
i got my job today. welcome to the fold ian, welcome to the fold, lets get this shit done. lol. hoorah...

*hugs for andrea*

don't let the dreams bother you

now and forever
Ian
Sunday, October 31st, 2004
4:30 pm
clues
one of the most satifying parts of life is suprising someone.
especially because you know you want to and you can look forward to their reaction.

tonight later on i'm heading out with frufru and going to sergio's house. not sure whats happening.

smell that flower.
look around that bend.
am i behind it?
1:41 am
through the meadow
last night took forever, in a sense. i got home at 5:00 in the morning, and posted here twice and then was all like, yea i'm tired.
we had received a copy randomly of the princess bride at our theater. yes, the 1989 film just randomly showed up. we were all duely confused. the catch, we had to make it, and break it down the same night. so i decided to. good movie, i remembered it, but the entire experience didn't really seem worth the hour long process after watching the movie of breaking it down. the film was so old that i ahd to go extremely slow, else risk the film tearing. i found that out while cruising it at somewhere close to lightspeed, and it was like, "i'm out" and ripped.
that repeated like 5 times. lol
as aj put it, "mom, youre mah boy."
thanks old film....

and speaking of aj, my band and i are talking some more, and we are all making sure to have backup plans. my plan right now, and what is my current goal to shoot for, go to college for 4 years, hopefully rit. major in engineering, and audio production. that way i have good job trianing for whichever direction i choose after my 4 years of college. i want to settle down though, for college. i want that...

today i had fun, it was overall a good day at the theater and a good night. i am currently in control of aj's computer to type this shaz up, which was chill with him. he went to bed, and i decided it was time to post my lengthy descriptions of whats going on in my mind.

i work at burger king making flame broiled whoppers i wear paper hats,
would you like an apple pie with that?
would you like an apple pie with that?

lol

for one, thats going through my mind.

on more serious notes, maybe no less humorous, but,
i am getting my second job after teusday. (i have an interview at dunkies, dave told me i basically have the job) this means no fun for me for a while, but twice as fast to get out of debt, which is good. just in time for early december, i will be saving money. which means...posotive amounts of money to my name!? WEIRD!
so if i ever seem bitchy in the upcoming weeks, (i'l really try hard not to! :) ) its probably cause of that.
lol

i have been at peace with myself even still. its never lasted this long before, when i've figured out something about myself its always beena ruch, and then a couple days later it goes away, i'm better mentally, but i come down off of my epiphiny high. this one's been different, and i think it's because it goes deeper than i've ever been before.
it's realisations about getting my own life moving, but still, still looking for what means the most to me. its my mind's compromise between what i want to do and what i have to do. the have to do's are school and work and things like that. but probably a week or so ago now, i got a peice of advice from my dad, he does this well, and he told me to keep track of myself first.
it wasn't exactly that, but it was close. so i turned things around, and tried some new stuff out. put my thoughts and feelings out in the open, and jump started my lacking schoolwork ethic and whatnot. cleaning up that section of my life quicky snowballed into everything in my mind clearing up. this includes my sense of self, my sense of others, my emotional life, my life with my dad. everything came into focus. i don't and can't understand everything, but things make more sense now than ever.
things that are important to me i hold onto, patiently.
sometimes whats good comes to you later, sometimes you have to wait.
not everything will seem great all the time, but right now, the difference is, when i calm my mind down, when i return here, when i am close to people that make me smile, i return to not where i used to be, but to a more refined and calm state.

i have a lot of people to thank, a lot of gratitude to show. and so many things to say that i will always have trouble putting words to.
i always searched for the middleground, and i think because of my closest, dearest friends, my friends, my family, everyone that helps me along the way, i am staring to find that in life, the best way to be is to be yourself.
being anyone else isn't fun anyways.
thank you everyone, thank you.

goodnight
Ian

Current Mood: happy
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